I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
