My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
