I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
