I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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