I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
