Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Randomize
