So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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