He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
They took my balls.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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