She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
