new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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