I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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