Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
