My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
