Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
