why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
