conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
