I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
