6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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