party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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