The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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