I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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