can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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