I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
