I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
