it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We were destined to go to rehab together
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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