Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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