When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
