Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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