I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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