I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
