i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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