the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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