I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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