The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The uberlube is also flammable
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize