you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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