she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize