Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
