Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize