if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i drank out of a bidet.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
