and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
