My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
