Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
