i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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