Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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