she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
