i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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