i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My liver just had a heart attack.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
