Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Terrible idea I love it
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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