How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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