I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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