Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
