I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
