I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize