Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My bed smells like the plague
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
