I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
