i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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