I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
